


don't keep love around

by kyokyou



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV), malec - Fandom
Genre: Alec-centric (mainly), Freeform, M/M, Multi, i promise a happy ending in part 3 for the turmoil ive put you thru, sooooooo i hope it's still enjoyable, troye sivan - dkla, wellllll this is abit more depressing than intended
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-01
Updated: 2016-07-01
Packaged: 2018-07-19 10:11:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7357060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyokyou/pseuds/kyokyou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec and Magnus breaks up and he meets somebody new. Things goes far from how Magnus imagined. Alec spirals downward with drowning emotions. Story told in Alec's perspective. Read Magnus' perspective <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/6757930">here</a>.</p><p> </p><p>Magnus just stands there, looking absolutely stunning. Alec blinks and swears he saw golden eyes gazing back in stark contrast to the dashes of black splashed heavily all over his lids. He blinks again and they’re brown. He wants to ask Magnus, <i>why are you here? Not to see me for sure, or</i> perhaps?</p><p>Saturday: He can feel his heart dying a little. Death goes by in the form of a heart-wrenching pain he feels every morning, every night, every waking moment, and the pain spreads and envelops to his fingertips and toes. </p><p>  <b><i>(Part 2/3 of <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/collections/1A">don't break my heart just to fix it back again)</a></i></b></p>
            </blockquote>





	don't keep love around

**Author's Note:**

> (This a sequel to _[Somebody Else](<a%20href=)_ but it can be a standalone fic as well.)
> 
> i am soo sorry this took forever to produce! i got stuck at several points and hated the flow, but i'm quite contented with the end results now. there are scenarios that are explained/ coincide with 'somebody else'. but of course i suddenly have a new idea when i was reading it for the 302507470th time but i shan't delay any longer xD. 
> 
> this is also inspired from Troye's 'Blue Neighbourhood' - DKLA. i hope y'all enjoyed reading this!!! <33333333333 thanks for all your kudos and lovely comments.

**_“Wrapped my thoughts around your mind,”_ **

Scott finds an empty table near the window and waits for Alec, as he strides over to the queue. He drapes his arm loosely on the back of the wooden chair, elbow inches away from the floor-to-ceiling glass window. He stares at Alec, who stares ahead absent-mindedly while waiting for his turn, and a grin forms on the blonde’s face. His heart is suddenly bursting at its seams and his stomach doing little somersaults. He finds himself in a moment and promptly slaps himself back to reality, and within five minutes, Alec is back, with a lop-sided grin and an ice shaken lemon tea (hibiscus-flavoured) in his hand. Scott rises to his feet and smiles as Alec passes him his drink, “Haven’t got any for yourself?”

Alec heads for the door, and wears his shades, while Scott slides his hand down Alec’s forearm and clasping unto his.

“Nah, I’ll just steal yours.” And Alec leads while Scott follows, slurping happily away and its moments like these, he finds himself at utmost bliss and content.

 

**_“Wrapped your body around mine,”_ **

It’s 3 in the morning and Alec should really be home (or at least the institute) by now, but after one too many drinks he finds himself walking along the path of a vaguely familiar road, yet one that doesn’t actually fill the empty void in his chest. But he still knocks on the door, rapid impatient raps and sees the blur of a pretty face, locks of blonde hair falling down and hovering over his eyes.

He pushes it back with his fingers, but it’s a pointless attempt. Scott’s clad in an olive green muscle tank, and _only_ boxers. Alec licks his lips as his eyes trail from his ankles up to his thighs. He walks in the apartment clumsily since heavily intoxicated, but Scott doesn’t push him away. Scott doesn’t slap him, doesn’t raise his voice, doesn’t spit, _“You’re drunk, Alexander.”_ Instead, he voices out concerns and places his hand on Alec’s forehead. The shadowhunter uses this opportunity to completely lean at least half his weight against Scott, who manages to hold him square by his shoulders and waist.

“You’re a fucking giant, are you aware of that?” Scott starts.

“You’re lucky I’m one too,” He smiles, voice soft.

Alec looks up; his hazel eyes staring back at electrifying blue ones, a faint and endearing smile etched on Scott’s lips. And Alec knows Scott is too good to be true, too _good_ for him, a fucking angel sent for him to taint. He feels horrible, but the lust in his blood overpowers the conscience that screams in his head.

So he steadies himself and crashes his lips against the blonde, Scott responding instantaneously, throwing one arm around Alec’s neck and another groping about hastily. Alec kisses him hungrily, taking Scott in: the scent of berries, roses and aftershave. He grips Scott’s waist tight, feeling the softness of the fabric and pushing it up. And then he touches his skin and it’s warm and _smoothsmoothsmooth_. Alec runs his fingers all the way up to his spine. The other hand snakes to his boxers and he cups on Scott’s butt with a solid grip.

Scott pushes him to the nearest wall, as Alec kisses him harder. He tries to drown in the sound of Scott’s breathy moans so his mind would stop fucking comparing how different this tastes.

 

**_“Play it back and press rewind, to when you traced your fingers, drew my spine.”_ **

Alec peers open his crusty eyes and swallows. His eyes feel like there are nails in them and his throat feels like sandpaper. He inhales deeply and stares at the whirling ceiling fan. The apartment is dim, save for the sliver of sunlight peeking in through the crack of the hippy patterned brick-red curtains. Alec turns to his right, and is greeted by the sight of Scott and his tousled blonde locks, lying flat on his stomach, arm curled to his chest, hand clenched to a fist. Coincidentally the ray of sunlight cascades down unto Scott, who sleeps on peacefully. One of his legs however, is entwined together with Alec’s. He notices that Scott is stark naked, the blankets askew and half his butt exposed.

Alec sighs.

His phone cuts through the silence as it buzzes nosily, startling Alec and fishes for it hastily.

It’s Jace—shit.

Alec pauses after he answers the call. Jace doesn’t speak either.

“Hello,” He sighs wearily.

“Alec, where the hell are you? I can’t cover for you _again_.” Jace says in a harsh whisper.

Alec checks the day and berates himself that he has completely forgotten it was training day. “Yeah, sorry I uh…” he pauses and glances at Scott, who’s now turned to face the other side. “I’ll be there as soon as possible ok, I’m already on the way—”

“How _fast_ can you be?” Jace snaps. Then he hears his mother’s voice in the background.

Alec grows mum, a sharp pain in his chest as he realizes the implication that Jace just made.

“Just, _be_ here, okay?” Jace softens at the end, and the line goes dead.

Alec doesn’t blame Jace though; he’s got every reason to be mad. He’s failing terribly as the head of institute because for the past several months he’s been in a complete slump and failing his responsibilities, for it weren’t for Jace and Izzy clearing the mess he’s created, Alec might be in some shitload of trouble.

He carefully removes himself from the bed and Scott stirs a little, as he dresses himself up and promptly regrets the night before. But he knows it’s become a bad habit he can’t rid off.

_Darling, what’s wrong?_

Alec stares at himself in the mirror after washing his face. The grip on the sink tightens.

_What’s wrong Alexander?_

“That you’re not here anymore, Magnus.” He says softly, his piercing gaze reflecting back.

He’s starting to hate himself.

 

**_“Lost its beat and so I find, I starve my heart of touch and time”_ **

Alec is scribbling furiously away when Jace stops by at the doorway. “Alec?” The door is opened, but Jace gives a knock anyway. Alec stops immediately, looks up and crushes the paper, tossing it to the floor.

“Yeah?”

Concerned eyes find distracted ones.

“You free for a quick chat?” Jace asks.

“Yeah sure, what’s up?” Alec tears away from eye contact and tidies his desk, putting a book back up in the shelf.

Jace enters and sits on the bed, rather close to Alec. In fact, too close for his liking.

“Stop fidgeting, you’re still a terrible actor.” Jace says. He has his hands clasped together and leaning on his knees. While Jace inches forward, Alec retreats in his chair.

“Alec, I don’t know what’s going on lately with you. I know it’s hard—the breakup—but you were doing ok, and it’s been four months? Or so? It’s perfectly normal to fall into a slump and feel like crap, but your actions, they _worry_ me. You’re not occupying all the last bit of your time to being a control freak in the institute but getting wasted? Missing trainings and meetings? Isabelle is worried sick, but she says you’ve been avoiding her.” Jace sighs.

Words die at the tip of Alec’s tongue.

“I can feel your distress. Talk to me Alec,” Jace begs, one hand reaching out to hold Alec’s wrist.

“I just,” Alec starts but he doesn’t know how continue.

_Magnus._

**_“So what do I do now? I don’t keep love around”_ **

When Alec is at Scott’s house it’s only when he’s drunk, so when Scott proposes to cook for dinner after a movie and Alec can stay over, the shadowhunter responds with, “Let’s just eat somewhere nearby. I’m busy tomorrow.” Scott nods, gives a small smile, and squeezes Alec’s hand. Alec wants to pry his hand off, but doesn’t. Scott talks about his day and Alec listens, for the first part, but his mind wanders off elsewhere when he hears the words _as if like magic_. Scott drones on as he eats, rather animatedly and his eyes shine.

_(So what do I do now? I don’t keep love around)_

Alec decides to sleep in the institute tonight, because his arms are aching and his legs feel like they are on fire. He’s crouched on the floor, some distance away from the door. His neck is hot and he feels the heat radiating off his face. His breathing starts to regulate and he stares at the white tiles, head tilted down. A drop of perspiration falls to the ground.

“Alec?” a familiar silvery voice echoes.

“Yes Clary?” Alec asks as he presses a curled fist to the ground and pushes himself up. Clary stands by the door, with a folder in her hands. She eyes him with an unreadable expression. “What?” Alec repeats, and brushes his fringe away, feeling uneasy under Clary’s scrutinizing gaze.

“It’s late, why are you still… _training?_ ” She arches a brow.

“I couldn’t sleep…why are _you_ still up?”

“It’s a secret.”

Alec rolls her eyes. _This girl._ He walks over to left and grabs his water bottle then gulps it down. As he drinks he checks his phone.

5 missed calls and 7 messages from Scott.

He locks his phone and slips it into his pocket then looks back up at the redhead.

“Ok.” He deadpans.

As he heads towards the door, she smiles smugly, “I’ll share mine if you’ll share _yours._ ”

Alec feels his heart sink to his stomach and stops right at the doorway. He turns to face her, “Clary, this is lame.” Then walks away. Using the face towel he briefly threw around his neck earlier, he wipes away his perspiring face and scalp.

“OK,” her voice is suddenly loud. “But Simon knows what he _saw_ and he sees very well especially in the _dark._ ” Her voice trails off as she goes the other direction. Alec flinches at that, but ignores her, returning to his room and washes up. He chucks his phone aside not bothering to return the missed calls.

_(I don’t keep love around, love around)_

The mission had been a swift success and the sun is still shining, very brightly in fact, and the heat beating down mercilessly at them once they are out in the open. This means it’s still early. Alec is tired, he just wants to go home and sleep his fatigue away (or problems, or heartache, or responsibilities). But no, he has to return to the institute. He has shitload of paperwork to do, and then he’s got to meet some downworlders for some sort of alliance discussion that Maryse made it adamantly clear that he _must_ not miss this time.

“Can’t Jace go?” Alec is frustrated and tails behind a scuttling Maryse. “He is going. And so are you, Isabelle _and_ Clary.”

Maryse finally stops, and Alec sees they’ve reached her (temporary) office. She swings the doors open and enters. She spins around and sees that Alec is still _here_. He stuffs his hands in his leather bomber jacket and sighs, “Mom I’m really tired.” His shoulders sag.

Maryse gives a small smile, reaches out her hand and caresses his face softly. She heaves a sigh too and replies back, “I know _Alexander_ , I know. I’m tired too. But there has been some greater threat out there and we need to be vigilant. We _must_ always be ready. Once that’s done, you can have the day to yourself.”

Except when the discussion is over Alec still can’t have the day to himself. And he wanders around New York City mindlessly with endless errands to run. He knew he should have just went back to his apartment after he was done, instead of going back to the institute (to get some items) because now Kivv is telling him that “one of the servers is down, Jaq hasn’t respond to my fire messages—or calls—and Raj is not around at the moment either…” Kivv trails off, biting his lower lip, suddenly unsure as to why he just approached a giant with a face as black as his jacket.

Alec throws a glance at the direction of the servers and scans the area. Just exactly where is everybody? He fishes for his phone and punches in Jace’s number.

It goes straight to voicemail. “Asshole,” Alec murmurs then hangs up. He calls Clary too, and an automated voice speaks. _Fuck this shit_ , he spits under his breath. Kivv looks as upset as he is, considering he could be the only one currently around in the institute. Alec rolls his eyes, annoyed with the whole situation (not at the poor bespectacled ginger boy) and locks his phone then gestures to Kivv, “Which one?”

*

He finally returns home when the sun has long fucking set and even the full moon seems weary. He checks his watch: 12:33AM. He sighs as he slots the key in and turns the knob. Alec furrows his brows. He enters the apartment and feels cool air brushing against his face. Alec clenches his teeth as he closes and locks the door, then switches on the light. He stares at the white walls and the white walls stare back. Everything seems intact but…something seems amiss.

He pours a glass of water for himself and devours the liquid, feeling the sweetness gushing down this throat. Then he gulps down two more cups. He breathes in deep and there’s a hint of something in the air. Alec promptly strips his clothes off, slowly because he has negative energy in his bones and his stamina rune _hasn’t_ actually worn off yet. The shirt comes off and Alec heads towards to his bathroom but then he passes a room that catches his eye.

Something glinting off the carpet on the floor—

The light hits the room and he glances around. Alec also notices that this room is probably the source of the cool breeze. And then it knocks him cold to his feet.

He sees an empty guitar stand and Alec suddenly can’t breathe.

Magnus. The whole apartment is oozing of Magnus. He smells him everywhere, and he sees him at the corner of his eyes but every time he turns, Alec doesn’t see him there. Alec falls asleep only two hours later, wrapped tightly under his blankets hugging a bolster, and a cashmere scarf tangled between the blankets and his hands.

 

**_“When we tried it, we were a fire with no smoke. Rags to riches but I’m addicted to being broken.”_ **

Alec is fucking selfish. He is a selfish bastard who doesn’t deserve anyone. Not Magnus, not even Scott. He finds it ridiculously funny how anyone could love a broken soul like him. What’s there to love? Besides his supposed great looks, which he is starting to loathe because every time he stares in the mirror, he recognize less of the face staring back.

Alec stares at the whirling fan, and Scott sleeps on, curled up against Alec’s bare chest. He wants to leave, but he’s got his arm wrapped around the—the _mundane,_ and he’s not sure how to untangle himself without a conversation he has no interest in having.

So he stays there, a warm body pressed to his chest with his heart growing cold. Alec blinks. He doesn’t realize his fingers curl around Scott’s shoulders. The clock on the bedside table ticks away softly, but loud enough in sync with Alec’s thoughts. His mind wanders about to a certain someone with a strong set of arms and broad shoulders (unlike Scott’s smaller and lithe frame), the darkest shade of hair in contrast with some coloured locks, and warm golden eyes he’d always get lost in.

He never realized how different Scott looks in comparison to Magnus. In fact, come to think of it, Scott actually resembles—

Alec swallows. The ticking snaps him out of his drowning thoughts.

Minutes pass, then an hour, and then two.

Eventually Scott shifts then peers open his eyes and cranes his neck up.

“Hello handsome,” he smiles hazily.

Alec returns his favourite one back and leans in for a kiss. He’s not sure how Scott does it, but he’s always smelling and tasting fresh, and the soft kiss deepens, breaths quicken, Alec presses his hand against Scott’s neck. He kisses him harder, and Scott kisses back harder but even then he’s still gentle. Alec doesn’t want gentle, he wants hard. He wants messy, candid, _intense_. He wants—

Within moments, Scott’s lying on his back and Alec hovers over him, knees digging in Scott’s hips and the bed dips. Alec presses his lips back rough, forces Scott to open his mouth wider and slides his tongue in impatiently. Despite the haste, Alec doesn’t least bit borderlines to sloppy. “Ngh,” Scott moans, his fist curling tighter, the other free hand barely gripping on the headboard. He rolls his hips naturally. Alec thrusts back, and he feels Scott’s cock growing hard immediately, and he’s getting there too. But everything tastes different, not foreign, just different, less sweet, less—

“ _Alexander_ ,” Scott shudders as he brings his right hand down to Alec’s groin.

Sucking fervently on Scott’s lower lip Alec was, until he heard his name and he accidentally sinks his teeth down. Immediately he tastes blood, then does Scott pries himself apart, wide eye, breathing still rapid. Alec sits up and cowers back, “Shit, I’m _so_ sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you,” it comes out fumbled and his voice still scruffy. Scott licks his lips, body slanted with an elbow propping to balance his weight. His blonde hair in a tidy mess and as he laughs, his fringe falls forward graciously. He’s still licking his lips, and then sweeps his thumb across it. “Silly boy, I’m not crossed.”

“You’re on fire aren’t you,” Scott gazes at him. His lip quirks into a small smirk. Scott flings the blanket away then crawls towards the brunette, who stares back with a sharp gaze and a confused look worn on his face. Alec leans back, both hands hitting the edge of the bed and Scott climbs on top of him. “On fire aren’t you, _my_ pretty boy.” He smiles.

Alec inhales a deep breath just as Scott presses his lips against him, his hands splayed against his chest, and Alec pulls away. Scott flinches slightly, and a flicker of emotion danced in his blue orbs. “I, uh, I have work. I’m late.”  Alec half stutters, his gaze wild.

And then promptly removes himself from Scott, dresses up in jiffy then leaves the apartment in less than five minutes. Scott just sits there on his bed, unsure what he has done wrong (again).

****

**_“You take my breath away, you know I'm bound to choke. When I close my eyes. I still see your ghost.”_ **

“Who knew the resources we need may actually be stashed in some mundane library.” Alec stated simply. The warlock and shadowhunter stride in the library and Alec immediately felt the slap of cold air at the back of his neck. Magnus had his arms folded as he scanned through the racks, trying to spot for the right book Alec presumed. Still standing at the entrance, they started to prick attention from the receptionists and some avid readers littered along the side. The taller began to feel a bit uneasy, and felt sort of out of place, especially when he’s got some demon blood smeared on his left flank, and Magnus usual flamboyant self enough to cast a spotlight anywhere he went.

Time was however of the essence and Alec didn’t see the need of a new set of clothes before they teleported. Finishing the mission was definitely much more important than a new set of fresh clothes, yet the stares he’s getting now was getting a bit unnerving. He’s more than glad he’s got his glamour on to hide his bow and arrows. “Relax Alexander,” Magnus started, then pushed a few wild strands of hair behind his ear and headed forward. “You should feel honoured they took those precious seconds of their life ogling at you. Bask in it darling.” Magnus turned and grinned, and made a turn on the right. Two categories dedicated to this area: “HISTORY” and “NEW AGE”. Alec smiled; discomfort erased. He loved that Magnus didn’t mind if people were to _ogle_ at him, didn’t get jealous over such trivial matters, because like he always said, _they only get to stare and_ not _touch, I get to stare_ and _touch, taste and touch, every inch of you (_ in that sultry voice of his, and Alec can only shudder in response).

“I don’t think ogle is the right word, they seemed more disturbed with two giants towering about and why I’ve got blood stains on my shirt.” Alec grinned, as he leaned on a book shelf that’s only a couple more centimetres taller than he was.

“Only one giant towering about,” Magnus remarked back casually as he jabbed a finger in the air and threw his head back to give Alec a gander. Which only resulted in his fingers curling a bit too tight on a book and then dropping his left hand awkwardly—uncharacteristically—to his side.

Alec quirked a brow.

“Alexander, darling, can you please button back your shirt? Usually I would definitely enjoy the peek of your _delicious_ skin showing, but not right now.” The way Magnus said so nonchalantly as he paced back and forth the shelf scrutinizing each book, Alec would have thought he referred to important business had he not been paying attention. His brows furrowed even more, arms crossed and stance still unchanged. He looked down, and saw that the first two buttons were undone, collarbones exposed. He also noticed how the sleeves wrapped tightly around his biceps, creases and folds forming thoroughly as if the slightest movement could threaten the fabric to rip.

His eyebrows cleared, and a haughty smirk creeped.

At this moment Magnus decided to bend down to the middle shelf, his perky ass shooting right up and _damn it_ , must he be wearing leather right now? He seemed to be making some progress, nimble fingers flitting about from book to book. Alec’s grin only widened, with a mischievous glint in his eyes Magnus couldn’t witness.

Three years ago, if you were to tell Alec what he was about to do, he’d choke on his water and maybe even put an arrow in your head. He wasn’t that much different than he was three years back, still authorative, responsible, the reason of voice, _yadayadayada._ He also became much bolder, wilder, _naughtier_. Within three strides, he had his body pressed up against the warlock, one hand wrapped tight around his bicep, another snaked around his waist. Alec merely breathed harshly down Magnus’s neck.

Not to mention his bulge digging in Magnus’ ass.

Immediately the warlock tensed and straightened (almost _melting_ into Alec’s embrace), placing his hands on the shelf for support (for if he didn’t, he reckoned his face would be pressed against it). “Alec, _what_ are you doing?” Magnus could have passed off as solemn if not for the crack and shudder at the end. “Why what’s wrong with my shirt, is it a distraction?” Alec breathed hotly at his ear and nibble his lobe lightly. _Oh fucking hell_ , Magnus bit down his lip. Clearly the distraction had amplified to more than just two damn unbuttoned buttons.

“Alec, we are in a _library_. In a public library.” Magnus’ voice dropped to a low whisper.

“And?” The brunette challenged and started kissing the warlock’s neck. He rolled his hips, the friction from the fabric thick and sweet to his crotch. He snapped the first three buttons loose from Magnus’ shirt. “You know what gets me really hot?” Alec started, his lips going lower, towards Magnus’ collarbones, burying his face in the crook of his neck. Magnus only swallowed. “When you’re distracted because of _me_ , when you’re turned on _because of me_ , when,” then he paused dramatically, slender fingers grabbing Magnus’ jaw and shifting it slightly so that he was facing Alec. Blown pupils stared back at piercing hazel ones. Alec murmured, voice huskier than usual and perforating gaze boring holes right through Magnus.

“When you come, because of me.”

Then rammed he lips against his (oh _softsoftsoft_ ), the warmth of his mouth sending a current running through Alec’s body (wasn’t he the one seducing?). When Magnus slid his tongue in (and did _that thing_ he always do), it was enough to drive Alec wild from lust and his blood rushing down south. He’s rolling his hips harder, and Magnus had given up resisting though he still broke the kiss and reminded about the ongoing mission.

“The book Alec,” he could only moan, and then a hitch of breath as Alec undid his pants and hastily unzipped them, slipping his hand under the tight brief Magnus wore. Alec’s hand was slightly cold, but the sensation was fiery. Magnus twitched a little when he curled his fingers around his cock, his thumb grazing ever so lightly across the slit. The brunette gave a hard squeeze, and then began to palm him agonizing slowly, as he sucked harshly on Magnus’ neck. Within moments, he sped up, palming him fast and rough. Magnus threw his head back, resting against Alec’s shoulder and felt the grip around his waist tightened. Despite the many layers of clothes between them, the intense intimacy still buckled Magnus at his knees.

“Oh god, _Alec._ ” Magnus bit at his neck.

 

 

 

Alec blinks twice, his blanket pulled up to his chest and his hands clasped over it. He stares at the ceiling. His eyes are slowly getting used to the darkness and they start making out weird shapes and faces when he stares too hard. A set of cat eyes seem to be blinking back at him. Alec snaps his eyes shut but the image of Magnus is clearer behind the lids.

 

**_“So what do I do now? I don’t keep love around,”_ **

The few innocuous words stare blankly back at Alec as his thumb hovers over the send button. Yet the longer he stares, they seem to turn into a blob of mocking black. It doesn’t help when the luminous blue light (on the ceiling, along the counter, beneath the tiles) amplifies his screen, blinding him a little. At the same time, the music in the bar decides to go down a few notches in the spectrum of emotions, a further jab into the dull jagged cut slashed across his chest. Alec bites his nails, a new bad habit he’s beginning to develop. Maybe he should order a drink so he can quit being an idiot.

He’s seated on a crème velvet cushioned one-seater, a short coffetable in front of him and another empty seat opposite him. In his line of view (to the right) is the counter, with two bartenders mixing drinks. The crowd’s slowly coming in, and Alec _is_ waiting for Scott to arrive, but that’s not where his mind is at. People start entering Altitude, and the sound of heels clicking against the plastic tiles grow loud. Yet his thoughts manage to drown them out. Alec fidgets in his seat. A tingle crawls down his neck and more fidgeting. 

 

> _To: Magnus_  
>  _Did you take back your guitar?_

Fuck it, he’s just going to send. He’s just going to—

He feels pressure on his back and a cool breeze then moist cold lips against his cheek. Alec tears his arm away so fast, and locks his phone as he does. He turns to see a pair of crescent eyes and wide grin splayed on Scott’s face and Alec flashes one back as well.

“Hope you didn’t wait long babe.” Scott says as Alec rises to his feet.

“Nope,” Alec smiles to hide fraught eyes and Scott buys it. “Changing seats?” He points over.

Alec turns back to the spot and feels the tingle again, brows half-knotted, “No, let’s go somewhere else quieter?”

“Sure, babe.” Scott chimes, and interlocks his hand with Alec’s.

 

**_“I don’t keep love around, love around, love around.”_ **

“Got it? We’ll leave in 5.” Jace says. The group disperse to get their weapons and Alec walks towards the door behind it. Kara follows behind him and grabs all things sharp (her favourite sai, shuriken, brass knuckles and seraph blade) and they disappear quickly into her shoes and sheaths hooked on a belt draped around her hip. “Excited about the little kitsunes spree?” There’s mischief glinting off her eyes and Alec wishes he could have half the enthusiasm she has. All he did was toss and turn for hours in bed and now fatigue is slicing his body to bits.

Alec throws on his leather jacket then swings the quiver on his arm routinely, until Kara snaps her fingers in his face. “Your phone’s ringing.” She gives her signature look: a half smirk and slight raise in brow, and jerks her head to his ringing phone (on the bench).

Alec doesn’t say anything, just retrieves his phone and promptly silences it then stuffs his phone in his pocket.

 

The second time it rings—vibrates—Alec’s right in front with Kara, Isabelle on his left; Clary on Kara’s right, while Jace covers the back. Just in case it’s something—or someone important, Alec checks. And only ignores the call when he sees the caller ID. At the corner of his eyes Clary’s got her eyes on him.

 

The third—and final—time it buzzes, they’re about to enter the premises of ghastly creatures, that feed off from vibrations and sounds, and usually their first instinct would be to claw your brains out (literally). Maybe he should just burn this _mundane_ device. Lowering his bow he quickly fishes his phone out, cancels the call then switches off his phone. Upon sliding his phone back in his pocket and looking up, he exchanges glances with Jace. His parabatai eyes him weirdly, with knotted brows. He could hear Jace’s voice snapping in his head: _Focus Alec!_

At the end of the mission, after feeling like he’s muscles are on fire (he forgot to activate his stamina rune), his hair a dishevelled mess and half of his arrows used up, boy is he surprised Clary still has the energy to toll him aside with such strength once they reach the Institute.

“What is going on with you _Alexander?_ ” Clary demands. Alec can only furrow his brows in response because _what the_ fuck is _going on? Fill me in, I don’t know—I need sleep._

Clary frowns, “I know about Scott. It’s been going for a while isn’t it? It’s the reason for all your uncharacteristic behaviours these past few months _isn’t it?_ Alec, I _met_ him a few times, and he, he…” Clary licks her lips and folds her arms, a sigh escapes.

“He doesn’t know.” (That you’re a shadowhunter.)

“Why, must he?” Alec fires back absent-mindedly, the lack of sleep messing with his mind.

“No! He just,” (I thought you always had a disdain for mundanes?)

“You still love Magnus. This isn’t going to work out. You know that.” Clary says what Alec desperately tries to push away.

“Look, you don’t know me, you don’t know what’s going on O.K, I _love_ Scott.” Alec seethes. Clary doesn’t say anything, just stares back. He walks away, back to his room, removes his jacket and hurls the phone across the room. He gulps down a whole bottle of water to wash away the foreign taste on his tongue then flops right back unto his bed.

 

**_“They can’t stand, I handstand don’t hold on right anymore.”_ **

Alec washes his face, and leaves the soap on long enough for the mint to gnaw at his skin just tenderly. Then promptly washes it off, staying rooted to the position even when the soap clears. Alec relishes in the coolness of the water as it pelts against his face comfortingly. Water gushes down his ear and he tries to muffle out the thoughts that scream in his head.

Except they seem much louder, and they’re screaming at him to break up with Scott. In fact they’ve always told him it was a bad idea from the start. Alec was foolish and is _still_ foolish. Right from the beginning Scott had always been eager to please and Alec was desperate. Desperate to burn away the hollowness (and pain) in his heart. Scott has always been eager to give, so Alec just takes. He doesn’t remember when he’s gotten addicted to the feeling of having your world revolved around someone else. He doesn’t _need_ Scott, he doesn’t necessarily _want_ Scott, but he can have him. Perhaps this is the closest he can get to some semblance of control in his life.

It’s a twisted analogy, every level of fuckery but he’s fallen down the rabbit hole and can’t quite seem to get the fuck up.

He has his back against the shower now, head drooped low. Alec still has his eyes closed, and bites his lips.

Five minutes later he gets out, his mind as foggy as the shower doors and mirror, and dries himself up. Alec wipes the fog off the mirror with his hand and bites his lip again. His features are hard and his eyes greener than usual. They are wild but jaded. He wraps the beige-coloured towel around his hips then brushes his teeth.

Cool air stings his skin (and a tingle down his neck) once he’s out of the bathroom and a few droplets of water cascades down his chest. He ruffles his hair and cards them back, out of his eyes. He goes over to his wardrobe and randomly picks out a white v-neck. Just as he is about to wear it, another tingle crawls down his skin, along his spine. He slips under the shirt and closes the wardrobe, a slight frown on his face.

He turns (left) and looks at the two guitars (magnus’) left unattended on his sofa. Alec slaps a palm on his nape and cocked his head to the side as he gently massages it. He dismisses it then goes back picking a boxer to wear.

Forgoing his pants Alec slumps unto his sofa, where one of the guitars neck juts at his waist. Alec pushes the guitars aside and bites his lip ( _again_ ), deep in thoughts. It will strike off as odd, but Alec has a hunch, so he rings up Tessa Gray.

**_“Pleased to meet you I’m kinda moved but that last one was my antidote.”_ **

Alec is late. He used to be always early, or at least punctual, but with recent turn of events time management hasn’t been his best of friend. Today Alec is really late, four fucking hours to be exact. Though it’s not entirely his fault (it is definitely _not_ his fault), because he isn’t informed the submission of the report is to be today at 9 in the damn morning. Secondly, _Jace_ is supposed to see to it. So imagine Alec’s utter aghast when he’s rudely wakened up at 9:41 in the morning, ringtone blaring loudly; his heart almost lunged out of his chest. Jace calls to inform he forgot all about it and he is already halfway to his tropical island (short getaway with the redhead), _pleasepleaseplease submit it for me._

Sleepy Alec is not good with coherent thoughts, let alone an exhausted shadowhunter sprawled on the bed. He answers back a string of muffled yes and ok, face pressed against the mattress, head barely even touching the pillow. His eyes are still screwed shut and his arm is so fucking heavy, and his body feels anchored to the deepest depth of the ocean.

He can hear Jace smiling through the line, a sigh of relief and never-ending _thank you’s, I owe you Alec, I owe you!_ Except Alec’s grip on the phone has loosened and his mouth wide opened, drool oozing out as he’s teleported back to a world where the sky is colourful and glittery, trees are made of cotton candy and he feels free.

 

Robert seems surprised to see him when Alec comes crashing in the door, his pale blue buttoned-up shirt full of creases and sleeves messily rolled up.

 “Oh Alec?”

“Dad—hi, conveniently present—I’m sorry, here’s the report Jace was supposed to send but he forgot about it, and I was supposed to have done it much earlier but I was really tired and—“

Robert just gazes at him. Alec slumps his shoulder, “I’ll just leave this in your office?” (Am I supposed to even pass this to you? Darn you Jace.)

Robert brings his hands from the back to his sides, but not before pulling his sleeves slightly to check on the time. Then he walks towards his son, and looks at the stack of papers, crumpled around the edges where Alec’s gripping a little too tight. “Just hand them over, I’ll do the rest.” He reaches his hand out.

Alec doesn’t respond, because he feels so terrible, damn it he’s not even sure what report is Jace submitting—

“It’s fine Alec.” Robert looks up at him, sincerity in his eyes. There’s something else too—eagerness?

“O.K.” He replies blankly then hands it over. He leaves the institute and returns back to his apartment, glad he could catch back on his sleep. He tosses his belongings aside on the desk, where his wallet hits the wood a bit too energetically and drops on the floor. Alec bends to retrieve it, and also finds a paper (faded and yellow) flatten in half. He opens it up, browse through the content and his eyes widen. Fuck. _Fuck!_

Goddamn it. Of course in his utter haste he must drop a paper; of course he must miss things out. Alec almost considered using fire to send it over, but who knows, given his tendency of misfortune lately it might very well burn in his father’s hands. So he goes back to the institute.

Except when he arrives Robert isn’t in his office nor room, not the weapons room, not the pantry, perhaps maybe _the training room?_

Alec’s on the verge of losing his mind, almost crushing the paper, aimlessly walking until the sling of his quiver slides down his arm and hits his wrist. Wait, why did he even take this out—

He throws it behind his shoulder again and proceeds to the weapons room (nearest to the entrance), quick steps, big strides because it’s Wednesday, a normal Wednesday afternoon where the Institute would not be expecting any one else besides the nephilims themselves.

Except when he’s close to a corner on his right it absolutely catches him off guard when he almost collides into another being had _his_ reflexes been a tad slower. Magnus takes another small step back when Alec finally regains himself. His heart hammers against his chest.

The warlock stares at him, so he stares back, mouth agape, completely dumbfounded.

Alec’s perspiring, his hair is all over the place, the fabric is plastered on his back and he’s sticky as fuck. And Magnus just stands there, looking absolutely stunning, and also a bit shocked.

He blinks and Alec swears he saw golden eyes gazing back in stark contrast to the dashes of black splashed heavily all over his lids. He blinks again and they’re brown. He looks healthy; put together, proper, _seems_ very well in fact. He wants to ask _why are you here?_ (Not to see me, for sure, or perhaps? I know you came by my house that day—) but Alec lost his tongue, his heart dropping to the vicinity of his ankles. It almost feels like the time when Magnus formerly introduced himself, tongue tied and clumsy, eyes blazing with wildness.

But then the air thickens, the silence between them stretches, and Magnus adjusts his blazer (the same blazer he wore when he gatecrashed the wedding), hands pulling on the lapels. He gives a curt smile, so faint Alec reckons it’ll disappear even if he doesn’t blink. Then the warlock turns, and walks towards his father’s office and Alec wants to call out _hey, he’s not there, hey, I, I fucking miss you, hey_ —

Magnus is nonchalant in his steps (which if Alec has the better judgment would have seen _right through_ his damn façade if not for the fact he’s so blinded by his _own_ raging emotions) and doesn’t once look back.

Magnus disappears into the darkness and Alec watches him slip out of his fingers again.

(He never wants to see him again—so it’s the last promise Alec would try to keep.)

 

**_“Green eyes become green times, but there is no first or a last chance.”_ **

Alec is not surprised when Scott shouts back. He can’t say he didn’t see this coming; it was almost as if Alec was just pushing his buttons and testing his limits seeing how far Scott could go before he eventually snaps—

He isn’t surprised because the tension was palpable during dinner, when silence invaded them it was uncomfortable, and he saw the strain painted on his face, the fire behind those blue eyes. It almost looked green.

He isn’t surprised when they get into a heated argument (though they rarely actually fought—Scott has always been passive), with hateful words spewing out from the blonde’s mouth (oh sweet angel, what have I done?).

When Scott almost throws a punch at Alec, he isn’t surprised either, and that’s only because Alec dodged it or he reckons he’ll be having a bruised jaw.

What he is surprised about is what Scott spits out at the last bit, eyes turning into hateful slits.

“Fuck off then Alec, fuck off back to _Magnus Bane_ , you don’t give a shit about me anyways.”

Alec immediately stops talking, mouth still parted, chest still heaved and glares at Scott. Without a word he turns and leaves, slamming the door in the process, leaving Scott alone to deal with the physical aftermath of the brawl.

He’s nothing but broken pieces—perhaps even right from the start eh? His voice cracks when he mutters out, “Arsehole.” And a tear rolls down his face.

 

**_“Try switch it up, I switch lanes. No love in the world, I’m still sane.”_ **

It’s almost a week since the fight with Scott and Alec hasn’t reached out; neither does Scott. He’s not sure if this signifies as a break-up but the thought of finality actually churns his stomach. Yet doesn’t want to do anything about it, doesn’t have to, he’ll just sleep his troubles away, hopefully.

Magnus seems doing fine without him too, everyone seems to be moving forth while Alec is stuck in the present, while drowning in the past.

So he returns back to slumber only fifteen minutes when he’s awoken from it. Alec turns to his left and clutches his bolster tightly, burying his face into it.

 

**_“Distance makes the heart grows fonder, said by someone stronger than me.”_ **

“Aw don’t look so sad Alec, it’s not like Magnus isn’t going to come back.” Clary teased the moment she joined the group with a plate full of desserts and a glass of white wine in the other hand.

“If it wasn’t for me this puppy would have trailed behind Magnus to the gents. Who knows what they’ll do in there.” Jace shrugged innocently but didn’t wipe the smirk off his face.

Alec could only throw a punch at Jace’s arms feebly.

“They’re ridiculously cute together because it makes my heart warm,” Izzy started, exact words leaving her mouth Alec found a bit hard to believe in then continued, “But they are also ridiculously annoying.” Isabelle finished, a bright smile on her face. Simon laughed while adjusting his blazer.

“I can’t believe you’re using me at the expense for a cruel joke,” Alec feigned hurt.

“You’re my brother, your joys and pains at the expense for anything is my duty.” Izzy winked and drank the wine.

“Distance makes the heart grows fonder Alec,” Clary said in a sing song voice before Magnus waltzed back in, brows knotted but smiling.

 

 

Distance makes the heart grows insane. Alec concludes. It makes him weak too; he’s the weakest of them all anyway.

 

**_“So what do I do now?”_ **

Alec’s putting on his boots when he feels a slap on his back. Kara slaps him back to reality and away from his mind for a split second.

What was he think about again? Oh yes, break up with Scott or try to actually love him.

 

**_“Do now?”_ **

They’re at a bar, the crowd’s not bad and the music is decent. Jace downs his 7th shot and is still going strong (apparently). Clary is chattier than usual and Sizzy keeps making googly eyes at each other. Alec should try and enjoy the moment, or at least make an effort to pretend he’s fine. So he drinks too, the liquor burning the back of his throat and he sticks his tongue out.

Funny how Alec stresses over Scott when Magnus’ name is what leaves his lips when he’s high as fuck but is glad that the change of blaring electronic music covers the sound of his voice.

 

**_“So what do I do now?”_ **

Alec patches back with Scott the next day, and goes about his life but only breaks up about a year later. When he blurts it out over a coffee date one Friday morning nonchalantly, he’s not sure if he’s less empathetic or grown apathetic.

He can see the shift in dynamics, how his blue orbs almost turn gray. They eventually go red, and his mannerisms are jittery but he manages a steady voice when he speaks. He doesn’t cry, but Alec can see the tears threaten to descend. Scott describes their relationship as a car-crash wreck in slow motion. Alec leaves the café with his words seared into his brain and they repeat like a broken recorder as he walks down the streets of New York City.

“Now there are two more broken souls wandering around.”

“You are broken and you taint me, and now I’m bloody broken too.”

“You wreck me, Alexander.”

 _(Why break me just because_ you _are broken?)_

Alec wanders about aimlessly, until the sun sets and the skies bleed black. He finds himself heading towards Magnus’ apartment and actually knocks on his door. He waits. He rings the bell and knocks again. He repeats five times. Magnus is either avoiding him or isn’t at home but Alec reckons—hopes—it’s the latter. So he whips his phone out, and calls him. Twice. Thrice. Five times. Twenty.

He doesn’t pick up. So Alec situates himself on the bench opposite.

He doesn’t witness Magnus returning home because he fucking fell asleep, and checking the time he was zoned out for a couple of hours. Alec’s about to get up and try ringing the bell again until the door swings open and another _man_ leaves his house, but not before locking lips with the warlock who’s clad only in bathrobes.

Alec’s sorry for everything, he’s sorry for the pointless arguments he had with Magnus, the coward moments he fell into, the breakup which was fuelled by anger, he’s sorry for dragging Scott’s heart and leaving bloody trails, he’s sorry for turning into this worthless pile of mess—

**_“I don’t keep,”_ **

Monday: Alec wakes up with the sad wash over of regret.

Tuesday: Alec doesn’t bother facing the world.

Wednesday: Alec wakes up feeling meaningless.

 

**_“I don’t keep,”_ **

Thursday: He learns that Magnus has left New York, _gone travelling_ , was what Tessa has said.

Friday: He lifts off the cloaking spell Tessa helped put on Alec back in last year September. (Not as if Magnus would try conjuring his whereabouts again.)

Saturday: He can feel his heart dying a little. Death goes by in the form of a heart-wrenching pain he feels every morning, every night, every waking moment, and the pain spreads and envelops to his fingertips and toes.

 

**_“Love around.”_ **

Sunday: Today however, Alec jolts awake to a sudden surge of energy coursing through his veins. He is going to find Magnus. He’ll at least try; if that’s the last promise he’ll keep to _himself_.

**END.**

**Author's Note:**

> OK so this might be information overload but i _have_ to pin them down (ahahhha).
> 
> Any questions feel free to ask away in the comments or come stalk me on [tumblr-d4ddy0reo](http://d4ddy0reo.tumblr.com/)! If you're too lazy to read all, at least read point 7^^
> 
> 1\. Original Characters  
> Because i haven't read the books I'm not familiar with the rest of the characters (but ill do more detailed research after this one) & hence inserting in Kivv, Kara. Kara is kind of my alter-ego (HAHA), closest i can get to them (๑♡⌓♡๑)
> 
> 2\. Kara's weapons  
> yes japanese weapons, because they are awesome(!)  
> [Sai](http://bit.ly/299VA4u), [Shuriken](http://bit.ly/29dqavy) \- throwing stars  
> Trivia: Her Seraph blade is named Castiel :P (yes a variant of Cassiel's name, it suffice enough for me for an excuse to use it)
> 
> 3\. Kitsune  
> It means "fox" in japanese. This creature is taken from the context of Supernatural (sorry couldn't help it), and more info can be found [here](http://bit.ly/2972OEC).
> 
> 4\. Kara has more experience with these other supernatural creatures and aides in missions that involves them.
> 
> 5\. This fic turned out more depressing than I've intended. When I caught myself on the journey I was setting Alec on, I then wrote it with the possibility that he could spiral into depression. Which is in fact very real and possible. Especially when feelings and emotions are a shitty crazy pile of fuckery so—. Also, Alec has a more reclusive personality and it would have been very easy for him to spiral downwards (sort of did).
> 
> 6\. Even though you can see Alec's POV there are still some details i left out (both trivial and important but unnecessary at this point), but i'm thinking of coming with a chapter on notes for 1 & 2!
> 
> 7\. Final installment is already in the works, i've got the bits of the skeleton and is still brainstorming, so if there's anything you'll want to see in !Part3 for me to touch on/ address (i.e. flashblacks, Scott, Clace, Sizzy, Jalec...etc.) do drop it in the comments below!!
> 
> THANK YOU FOR READING XOXOXOXOXOXO HAVE A BRILLIANT MERRY DAY AHEAD TEEHEE.


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